OK, you know what? This episode was fabulous. Is it possible all we were missing this season was a really fun villain? Because holy crap, this week’s villain–who is, by extension, revealed to be this entire season’s superbaddie–is getting a kick out of her evil role. And in turn, I am getting a real kick out of the episode.

Previously on Riverdale: Veronica worked with the Feds to get her dad thrown in jail; Archie showed up at Veronica’s door only to find Reggie had scooped him; Dr. Curdle Junior found a matchbox from the Maple Club lodged in a murder victim’s throat; Ethel told Jughead that Jason Blossom was the Gargoyle King; Edgar promised to protect Betty at the farm, and also was showing dead people to Alice and Cheryl; when Betty discovered that Edgar was harvesting organs, Edgar decided to put her under the knife; and Cheryl broke Toni out just before her organs could get harvested.

Whew. That was a lot. Luckily, this episode is a lot less chaotic than the rest of the season–the A-plot actually takes up significant screen time and is fully developed. Another thing that really helped with the quality.

Toni has made her way to Penelope’s house, where Penelope kindly feeds her a cup of tea (which is alarming on its face, because Penelope doesn’t do “kind”) and asks Toni to explain what she said one more time. Toni, whose feet are covered in scratches, tells Penelope all about Edgar’s organ harvesting. Penelope takes this with admirable calm: “Oh dear. Is that what he’s doing there?” Hee. Finally, Toni just collapses on the couch from whatever Penelope slipped into her tea. Penelope informs the unconscious Toni that this information is very helpful to her. Although somehow I don’t think it’s going to be that helpful to poor Cheryl.

Jughead is talking to the fairly useless FP, telling him that it “defies logic” for Jason to be the Gargoyle King, even though his body is missing. FP redundantly points out that they still need to figure out who the Gargoyle King is. Then Jughead mentions the matchbook, saying that Kurtz must have gotten it at the Maple Club. “What are you getting at, boy?” drawls FP. I mean… I think he’s saying he’s going to go ask around at the Maple Club?

So apparently Edgar is an actual surgeon, or at least he can wield a scalpel on an unconscious involuntary organ donor. He’s about to carve up the unconscious Betty when Evelyn interrupts him to tell him he has an urgent visitor. It’s Penelope, who reassures him that she doesn’t want to interrupt his “shenanigans.” She just heard that he has organs available and wants to buy in bulk. Heh. I just love how Penelope spends this whole episode swanning around saying absurd things in a Katharine Hepburn voice. She is a delight.

Over at the Maple Club, Jughead shows one of the ladies a photo of Kurtz. The woman confirms that Kurtz spent all his time at the Maple Club with the Red Dahlia herself, Penelope Blossom. Then Jughead asks about a young redhead, which the woman easily confirms was her kid, Jason. Jughead looks like he’s discovered something new. Later in the episode it becomes clear that she’s talking about this happening recently but at first I was just confused why we cared that Penelope brought Jason to her sex club before he died (other than the fact that it’s a Freudian nightmare, obvs).

Edgar walks down the hall with Evelyn, telling her that they’ve been “compromised.” When they run into Alice, he tells her portentously that the outside world is “encroaching upon us” and that the ascension is tonight. Alice, unfazed by the news that the Farm is about to pull a full Jonestown, asks where Betty is. Edgar and Evelyn have no idea! They definitely haven’t strapped her to a gurney to harvest her organs or anything! Alice seems to believe them, but Cheryl–who is completely unattended despite being a known flight risk–is watching from a shadowy corner, looking upset.

So you know how when you go to jail, your wife and daughter inherit all your property as if you were dead? Yeah, I guess that’s a thing in Riverdale. Veronica and Hermione are now full owners of Pop’s and the speakeasy.

Also, over at the Andrews’, Archie announces excitedly to his mom that Veronica is giving him the boxing gym. But Mary just wants to know where Archie and Veronica stand romantically. Jeez, get a life, Mary. Archie’s about to tell her when there’s a knock at the door. Archie opens it to find simply a package, with a note addressed to Archibald Andrews in the fancy script that, in Riverdale, tends to herald a mysterious command summoning you to drink a bunch of potentially-cyanide-laced wine.

The kids minus Betty gather at the diner to compare all of their notes, which arrived along with fancy outfits. Jughead mentions that he can’t get in touch with Betty. “It’s a trap,” Veronica says cleverly. Jughead says, “We don’t really have a choice.” It took me a little head-scratching to figure out why they don’t have a choice, but I guess because he thinks it’s the best way to find the Gargoyle King.

For her part, Betty wakes up in a fancy bedroom to find a ballgown, a kicky fur jacket, and another note addressed to her. She descends in the ballgown–looking absolutely stunning, for what it’s worth—to find herself and her three friends have been gathered at the Blossoms’ hunting lodge for a fancy dinner with Penelope. Penelope sweetly informs Betty that she bought her from Edgar, ”Just as he was about to cut you into butcher’s parts.” Hee!

Creepy Sister Woodhouse pops up from behind Betty, and Penelope explains that Sister Woodhouse taught her everything she knows about poisons. Betty gives Sister Woodhouse a hilarious side-eye that basically says, “OK, I can’t deal with this weirdness right now,” and takes her place beside Jughead, who looks quite fetching himself in his sports-jacket-and-beanie combo. Betty suddenly realizes that Sister Woodhouse totally killed all those nuns in some episode that was long enough ago that I’ve entirely forgotten it due to having suffered through approximately thirty whiplash-inducing plotlines each episode since.

Anyway, Penelope takes this opportunity to segue into a discussion of “loose ends.” She tells the kids they’re all “featured players.” Jughead whispers to Betty that he’s almost figured it out. “Oh, have you?” Penelope laughs, completely unbothered. I love her so much. Ignoring Jughead, she rings for two more guests, who lumber in dramatically, both masked: one as the Gargoyle King and one as the Black Hood. “What have I told you? No masks at the dinner table,” Penelope chirps. The Black Hood rips off his ski mask, revealing Hal, to Betty’s moan of disappointment.

Before the Gargoyle King can take his off, Penelope lets Jughead have his guess. He quotes Arthur Conan Doyle and then says that since it’s impossible for Jason to be alive, and it has to be someone with a connection to Penelope and to Hal, it must be Chic, whose corpse was never accounted for. 

On cue, Chic takes off his gargoyle mask. He has red hair now, which Jughead says explains why Ethel thought he was Jason. Apparently Penelope’s been dressing him up like Jason. Betty realizes that Hal must not have killed Chic. Hal confirms that he recognized a kindred spirit in Chic and spared Chic so Chic could devote his life to Hal’s mission. But, Jughead points out, it’s not really his mission, since Penelope is the mastermind! Hooray, female empowerment? I guess?

Betty suddenly recalls that Hal was sleeping with Penelope, which I had forgotten all about. Penelope bitterly says that none of the kids’ parents reached out to her when she was sold as a child bride to the Blossoms or when she lost a kid, and that Riverdale is cursed. She and Hal have been trying to exterminate the sinners, and now Chic has joined in, too. As the kids put it all together, Betty mentions Chic and Penelope yells hilariously, “HIS NAME IS JASON!”

Jughead brings it back to the point: Penelope is the mastermind of all of this. “Well done,” Penelope says, dripping with sarcasm, but now it’s time for the final round. The kids are going to play a game that will reveal that they’re as evil as Riverdale. Archie, ever the optimist, asks if they’ll escape if they win. “You won’t win,” Penelope laughs. She says that when they lose, their parents will lose their kids just like Penelope lost hers.

Just then the clock strikes, so Penelope calls them to the lawn. I guess they have to play because otherwise Hal is going to slice them open with his hook or something? Anyway, they all totally obey her and go out to the lawn. Penelope declares that they’ll each be tested, and that her Gargoyle minions–who are ranged by her side, ready to attack–will kill them if they refuse the test. “May the final quest… begin!” she yells. The kids just stand there like dummies. Penelope says amusedly, “I’d start running if I were you.” Hee!!

We next see the kids trudging through the woods, making small talk about Penelope, their murderous gamemaster, and how they’re kind of lost. Then Jughead’s flashlight lights on a sign drawn on a tree, so now they know where to go.

Meanwhile, Cheryl busts in on Kevin and Fangs performing some kind of weird prayer ritual in the temple and tells them they need to get out of “this house of the devil.” The boys point out that she’s supposed to be “confined” to her room. (Edgar normally runs a really tight ship, but I maybe he figures that since they’re all about to commit mass suicide it’s not worth using a lot of manpower to watch Cheryl.) Cheryl tells them that Edgar really is harvesting organs, and she can show them his “innards collection.” Yuck!

The boys follow her to the big freezer where Betty originally found all those organs, but of course, the room is totally empty. Kevin impatiently says they’re getting ready to ascend. And I kind of see his point. If you’re about to commit mass suicide, again, it’s kind of a waste worrying about how many of your organs you die with. Cheryl asks him if he’ll believe her if she does find proof. Kevin says with massive condescension, “You know what? Sure.” Hee! But also, ugh, why don’t they give Casey Cott more to do with that great comic timing of his? Anyway, Betty starts stomping into every room on that hallway looking for proof. And whoever or whatever she finds sitting on a wheelchair in one darkened room causes her to open her mouth and give a blood-curdling scream.

The kids come on a tree with a card for the Red Paladin, meaning it’s Archie’s turn to get the first quest. It just says, “The Red Paladin must conquer the grizzled beast. He must battle alone in the pit to save his own.” Archie reads this aloud then says, “Oh crap, not again,” as if he doesn’t just love starting fights he can’t win. Oh gee, looks like Archie’s going to get beaten to a pulp again, my heart is all aflutter! Just kidding, I don’t care what happens to Archie. I will note, however, with mild surprise, that he only sheds his jacket and vest and goes into this fight still wearing his button-down shirt. Whoever’s in charge of the Thirst Trap department over at the CW was really falling down on the job this week.

Archie tells Veronica to tell his mom and dad he loves them (aww, Fred!) and marches into the ring to fight the grizzled beast, who’s a guy in a big beast costume. Betty, Jughead, and Veronica look on in horror while the beast kicks the shit out of Archie. Then conveniently, just when the big beast dude is about to kill Archie, Archie punches him and gets the upper hand and beats him up with a big bone that he found on the ground.

The kids rush up to the victorious Archie. Jughead tenderly puts his jacket back on his shoulders, which is super cute. Then Veronica and Archie share a hug and Tender Looks of Love, which is… less cute.

Alice has come to Edgar to ask him about Betty, and also about those rumors that he’s harvesting organs. I love that. Like, she thinks her future husband might be running a black market organ mill, but she’s still going to him to ask about it. That’s a healthy relationship if I’ve ever seen one! Edgar asks if he can address her concerns, and she agrees, but his version of reassuring her is probably the least reassuring thing ever. He tells her that he can’t say much about Betty, and that he hasn’t been entirely truthful with regard to the whole organ farm thing either.

Before he can get any farther, though, Cheryl busts in and yells at Edgar about what he did to her brother. Edgar makes a hilarious throwing-up-his-hands motion that I interpret as, “Welp, the game is pretty much up, but let’s see if these ladies will buy my one last play,” and tells Cheryl condescendingly that she had a void he needed to fill. Cheryl shrieks, “BY GRAVE-ROBBING?!” Alice, who’s been using her sweet, docile Pod Person voice this whole episode, suddenly says in a Normal-Person voice, “Wait, what?” Hee! Unfortunately, before Alice gets any more info, Evelyn shows up with some Farmies to pull Cheryl away. Edgar tells Evelyn and Alice to gather all the Farmies for their ascension. Uh-oh.

The next sequence is my favorite part of this season, if not the entire show. It’s Veronica’s challenge, and the challenge is to choose her “closest companion” to play a game where they each drink from one of six chalices in turn, using spin-the-bottle to determine which to drink from. One of the chalices contains a fast-acting poison. And, of course, if she doesn’t play, all four of them will die. Betty says sweetly that she volunteers, as Veronica’s closest companion. She says, “It’s OK, I have faith.” Which is prooobably what Dilton Doiley said a few hours before being found dead in the woods.

Veronica says softly, “I’m having the most diabolical sense of deja-vu.” We are treated to a flashback of the game of Spin the Bottle from the first season, which I had admittedly forgotten all about, so I won’t make fun of the show for providing an on-the-nose flashback.

Veronica takes the first spin, and drinks from the chalice it points to. Betty asks with her giant Betty puppy-dog eyes, “How do you feel?” Veronica is fine, so Betty takes a spin, and then a drink, while Jughead looks on in concern. Then Veronica, while Archie looks on. The boys are pretty much each just focused on “their” girl, which makes sense for Jughead, who doesn’t have much of a relationship with Veronica; I’d have liked to see Archie’s face while Betty was drinking her possible-poison, but then again, who even remembers that Betty and Archie are best friends, really? Anyway, the girls have extremely troubled expressions, each actress neatly portraying the conflict between not wanting to die and not wanting her best friend to die.

This is my favorite part! So Betty drinks the fourth glass and Veronica drinks the fifth, and second-to-last, glass. Before Veronica finishes the fifth glass she says, “Fifty-fifty odds,” but after she drinks it she just stares at Betty and then at the last chalice. Betty knits her hands and says tearfully, “Okay.” Just as she’s about to drink it, Veronica snatches the chalice out of her hands and drinks the fatal glass herself! Archie protests, “Veronica!” and Betty says tearfully, “Why did you do that?” Veronica, also crying, says, “Because I love you, B. You’re my best friend, and—” “I love you too, V,” says Betty. 

They’re not the only ones crying — I totally teared up, too. One best friend giving her life for another friend — what could be more moving than that? And I especially appreciate that the show didn’t go the route of having Jughead sacrifice himself for Betty. That would have been easy fan service, but nowhere near as memorable or moving.

OK, so Veronica has drank the supposedly poisoned chalice and not dropped dead. Penelope pops out and condescendingly congratulates Veronica on completing her challenge: proving her loyalty. The girls are confused. Jughead concludes that it was just a test of loyalty and none of the chalices were poisoned. Penelope smiles smugly and says, “On the contrary. All of the chalices were poisoned.” Hee!! She explains that it’s just a slow-acting poison and they’ll only get the antidote if they complete the game. “And even then,” she adds with barely contained glee, “you might not make it.” Once again the kids just stare mutely at her. “Tick tock!” she prods them. Hee! I love this running gag.

Speaking of the kids not being in as big of a hurry to complete the game and get the antidote as you would think, Archie immediately stops Veronica as they walk through the woods and tells Veronica that despite Reggie, he loves her, and he thinks he never stopped loving her. Veronica tells him that she didn’t let anything happen with Reggie after he stopped by the other day, because her “heart ached” for him. She says, “I love you, Archie-kins, for whatever good that does us now.” Aww, this is cute and all, but maybe you guys should hurry up and try to find that antidote before Veronica perishes? Archie promises that he won’t let her die tonight, and she believes him, although I have to believe that secretly Veronica knows if anyone’s going to save anyone tonight it’s clearly not going to be Archie, unless getting the poison involves him taking off his shirt.

Alice busts into Cheryl’s room holding a baby and tells her that she’s going to help her escape. “Why should I trust you?” Cheryl yells. Alice points out that she pretty much has no other choice. Cheryl purses her lips, realizing that her other choice is to sit in that room and wait to be fed some poison Kool-Aid. So, yeah, she goes with Alice. They head towards a tunnel that leads into Fox Forest. It used to be bricked up, but Alice exposits that Edgar had it unblocked. Before Cheryl leaves, Alice hands her Dagwood and asks her to take the baby to safety. She can’t leave; she has to stay with Polly. She asks Cheryl to find Betty and make sure she’s safe, and Cheryl promises.

At first I was going to call shenanigans on the idea that someone running an illegal organ farm would open a tunnel that his victims could escape through, but then I realized that of course Edgar would need a secret escape route, since he might at any moment get raided by law enforcement. He’s probably planning to use it tonight after he feeds poison to his entire cult, that jerk!

Toni wakes up with a massive poison-tea hangover to find Cheryl’s creepy Nana trying to rouse her. Calling her “Antoinette,” she informs her that “The hunt is afoot,” and “your school chums are the prey.” Toni says she needs to save Cheryl first.

Back at the Hunt, Jughead’s next up. The entire challenge is, “Only one shall leave the kingdom of Eldervair.” Huh. They come upon a clearing, where there’s a fire going and an axe stuck in a tree trunk. A shirtless young man wanders out of the woods in the opposite direction. (He has runes carved in his back and yet even so I found myself wondering, “Why is Archie coming from that direction?” because I’m so used to Archie being the one with no shirt.) It turns out that it’s Chic. I guess Chic is fulfilling the contractually obligated quota of shirtless young men for this week. Fair enough, it’s nice to give KJ Apa a break I guess. 

Anyway, Chic makes a run for the axe, so Jughead does too. Chic gets there first and starts swinging wildly. Jughead pleads with him to know why he’s doing this. “Who doesn’t want to be king? Who doesn’t want blood sacrifices made in their name?” Chic says. I mean, sure, that’s what every little boy dreams of. Or, as Jughead responds: “Wow, OK.” Heh. The two grapple for awhile, with the requisite screams from the onlookers, and the requisite “suspenseful” moment where it looks like Chic has won until at the last moment Jughead clobbers Chic on the side of the head and knocks him out. By this time, Veronica is getting woozy from the poison, so the kids keep moving without having to be prodded by Penelope this time.

As they wander through the woods, Archie asks if Chic had red hair because Penelope was pretending he was Jason Blossom. Oh, Archie. Always about five steps behind everyone else. Jughead agrees it’s a good idea for them to figure out how everything is connected, and sums it up thusly: “It’s like Jason Blossom’s death begat the Black Hood. Which begat the Gargoyle King.” He thinks it’s a cycle of madness that will only end when they break the chain. There are some other metaphors mixed in there too, but I just love that he said “begat.” Twice.

Toni’s about to go get Cheryl, along with a bunch of poisons when the latter arrives on foot, breathless and holding the baby. The two kiss passionately. Cheryl asks where Betty is, and Cheryl’s grandma repeats impatiently that she’s being hunted at Thornhill and that Penelope’s been planning this for months. “It’s the grand hunt,” she hisses, like that means anything to anyone. Cheryl and Penelope round up the Poisons to go save them.

The kids arrive at Betty’s challenge. Jughead tells her he loves her and they kiss, and then Betty approaches a box surrounded by a bunch of candles burning in the middle of the woods. I know it probably doesn’t make a big difference when they’re already being hunted by gargoyles, but this candle situation seems very unsafe. The box contains a little gun, which Betty grabs as a masked man comes out of the woods. Hal rips off his mask and tells Betty, “You know how this has to end. You have to kill me, Betty. That’s your heart. That’s your truth. You can’t deny your destiny.” Is it just me or does everyone in this episode sound kind of like they’re reading poetry written by a depressed teenager?

Hal points his gun at Betty, and she points her gun at him and begs him not to make her do this. He calmly tells her that she either kills him and gets the antidote (which is hanging off a nearby branch), or he’ll kill her. I wonder why Hal is so open to the idea of being shot by his daughter. Is that ever explained? He’s like, putting a lot of effort into trying to convince her to kill him. Anyway, finally there’s a gunshot, and Hal screams and collapses to the ground. He’s shot in the arm or something. “I will never be like you,” Betty says.

Penelope emerges from the woods, completely exasperated. “Good God, Hal,” she says. “You can’t be trusted to do anything. You were a terrible serial killer.” Hee! Unfortunately, then she shoots him in the side of the head. Yikes! In a silent sequence, Betty screams and collapses to the ground while Jughead and Veronica rush up to her. Sweetly, Jughead tries to turn her chin away from the sight of her dead dad.

Meanwhile, Archie rushes over to get the antidote. Penelope is all, not so fast! Jughead argues that they won the challenge and proved that they’re better than this town, so they get the antidote. Penelope says, “That may or may not be true. But” (turning to her minions) “kill them.” Yeah, turns out trusting a serial killer mastermind to play by the rules is never a great idea. The kids don’t need to be told to run this time.

By the time the sun rises, they’re still running from a howling horde of killers. Betty and Veronica are making pretty good speed for people who are about to die of poison. In fact, it’s Archie who decides to look behind him at Veronica and fall flat on his face. Hee! Archie’s so dumb. Luckily, just then a pickup truck truck full of Pretty Poisons arrives. How long did it take them to drive across town anyway? It’s like broad daylight out and the kids have been running since it was pitch black. Anyway, they all shoot the Gargoyles, the kids gather behind the truck and take the antidote, and the Gargoyles run away. Yay!

As soon as they’re done, Cheryl tells Betty about the other big problem, which you may have forgotten about. Edgar was planning to ascend with all the Farmies tonight. The kids climb in the back of the pickup truck and speed over to the Farm, only to find poor Kevin sitting alone in a room with a bunch of discarded white uniforms. “They left me,” he weeps. Apparently he was left behind to explain what happened.

“What did happen?” says Archie. If I can say one good thing about Archie it’s that he isn’t afraid to ask stupid questions. Oh wait, is that not a good thing? Oh well, I tried. Anyway, Kevin practically rolls his eyes as he answers, “The worthy ascended. Of course.” I feel like the Farmies didn’t need Kevin to do this. A note probably would have sufficed. Betty asks about her mom and Polly. Kevin says they’re gone, too. Betty and Jughead hug again. 

Later, everyone starts cleaning up Pop’s, which was covered in Gargoyle graffiti. Jughead sums it up for everyone: Chic’s in jail, Hal is dead, and Penelope has slipped away into the night. “The future was ours to write. But what would our stories be?”

One person’s story seems particularly gruesome: Cheryl walks down the hall of her mansion and smiles at Jason, who looks pretty good for someone who drowned three years ago, which is somewhere between extremely gross and really, really, really extremely gross.

Hermione gets a call from her lawyer revealing something about Hiram but doesn’t have time to explain to Veronica what it is before the FBI, led by Agent Ardelia, comes and arrests her for conspiracy to commit murder. The women yell at each other that they love each other. Veronica seems very surprised at this arrest considering that she definitely already knew that Hermione had tried to kill Hiram.

Hiram is lifting weights in the prison courtyard when a guard or cop comes up to tell him that Hermione’s been arrested and “the necessary evidence has been planted.” Hiram politely thanks him and then says aloud, “Oh, Veronica. You don’t even know what’s coming, mija.” Do you think the writers know any Spanish words other than mija? I’m just curious.

Archie and Mad Dog spar at El Royale, when Archie reveals that he wants to make some changes to the gym. He wants to make it a “halfway house or community center” to keep kids off the streets and he wants Mad Dog to help him run it. Sounds like a great, well-thought-out plan.

Yet another FBI investigator, this time not one of the many Sarah Florence alums running around but a generic-looking white dude, arrives at the erstwhile Cooper home and asks for Betty. He tells Jughead and Betty that he’s been investigating Edgar for a long time. Um… isn’t it a little awkward when the person you’re investigating commits a mass murder-suicide on your watch? The problem, apparently, is that they were waiting on word from someone who was tasked with getting close to Edgar: Betty’s mom. Yep, Alice Cooper is actually an FBI informant.

The next bombshell is that the FBI knew about the organ harvesting and they were just gathering evidence! Like, oh, sorry, Kevin, I know that we could have stopped you from losing a kidney to Edgar Evernever’s organ farm, but we just wanted to build a really solid case, mkay? 

Anyway, they want to set up shop in town until they can catch Edgar. The two offer help, and the agent says he’s heard that Betty and Jughead are great detectives and whatnot. Before he can actually say how they could help, Betty randomly interrupts to ask if she knows him. He says, why yes, he’s her brother, Charles.

Betty laughs and then says slowly, “You… can’t be.” Jughead realizes this means that Charles is also his brother. Betty knits her brow, with the consternation of a girl who’s just realized that she shares a sibling with her boyfriend.

The four kids gather at a diner, where Archie asks intelligent questions like, “What?” at every revelation. When Betty reveals that Alice is working for the FBI, Veronica claims that “that kind of tracks.” I guess it does make sense, because Polly got into the Farm stuff first, so Alice could easily have decided to take down the cult to save her daughter. We also find out that Veronica’s mom is still in jail and Smithers is going to be her legal guardian. Archie proposes a vow to enjoy senior year and be done with things like mysteries, serial killers, “and Gremlins.” Jughead laughs indulgently and corrects him, “It’s Gargoyles.” But I mean, good Lord. Does Archie have some kind of head injury? The other three join in on the vow, though Jughead claims it “sounds a little dull.” Hee.

Flash forward to spring break of their senior year. The kids, minus Jughead, are standing in the woods. Archie is shirtless, OF COURSE. But then it turns out they’re all in their underwear and covered in blood spatters. Betty says that they need to burn all their clothes, “including Jughead’s beanie,” in a cheap and transparent attempt to make the audience freak out that maybe Jughead is dead, which he clearly is not. “After tonight, we never speak of this…. We finish our senior year, we graduate, and we go our separate ways. That is the only way that we won’t get caught.” Then she says harshly, “Do it.” Ooh, Betty’s gotten bossy! So Archie throws Jughead’s beanie in the fire.

OK, clearly Jughead’s not dead or anything, but are we going to have to watch season 5 of this show without Jughead’s beanie? That’s like, a mascot. You can’t have the show without the beanie.

Anyway, back to Pop’s — the kids finish their milkshake toast by saying, “Friends forever!” Even Jughead is smiling. And pretty clearly that can’t last.