This episode, as always, leaned in to the camp factor with toothy delight. And it also… maybe… got rid of my least favorite character, or at least freed Jughead from his clutches. All in all, rather fun if also bewildering.
Previously on Riverdale: The grownups met to discuss a Pact they had regarding the Gargoyle King and a mysterious Night on which something bad happened; Ethel had a seizure after mentioning the Gargoyle King to Betty and Jughead; Ben killed himself to be with the Gargoyle King; Edgar’s creepy daughter Evelyn introduced herself to Betty; and Archie had a fight in the prison yard and was “tapped” by the warden to be the “new Mad Dog.”
The lights come up on Archie, who’s in some kind of isolation torture cell. The sadistic Warden comes to check on him and, when he’s still intransigent, leaves him there for another week.
Meanwhile, FP and Alice are totally post-coitally snuggling in bed! Whoa. Actually I kind of like it. FP says he’s happy that the farm convinced Alice to make out with him. Alice, in return, softly says that it’s been three weeks with no mysterious blue-lip murder. Not so good at the pillow talk is she?
Below is a recap of what might be an episode of Dynasty or might be a forty-minute commercial for the Google Pixel. It was tough to tell at some points.
Previously on Dynasty: Cristal apologized for being a big adulterer, Blake may have killed Cristal’s husband, Cristal’s name was originally Celia Machado; someone maybe switched out the pregnant Claudia’s pills and she gave Blake a big naked soapy hug; Jeff and Fallon kind of made out.
Previously on Dynasty: The same clips of Fallon wanting the COO job and Cristal getting it; Fallon declared that she’s building the company with Jeff on her own; Jeff said he needed to rethink the company with Fallon; Fallon leaked Cristal’s sex tape and got kicked out of Blake’s house; Kori Rucks, a councilwoman, slept with Michael; Claudia publicly accused Blake of killing Matthew; Cristal apologized to Claudia but Blake ran over Claudia just as she was about to bean Cristal with a cement block.
Previously on Dynasty: Cristal got the COO job Fallon wanted; Fallon decided to start a new company with Jeff; Fallon told an obnoxious dude named Robbie Reed that Michael was her boyfriend but told Monica that was just a lie to get rid of Robbie, and Michael overheard her; Michael slept with Kori Rucks, the city councilwoman who had refused a contract to Fallon; Steven tried to help Sam only to learn that he orchestrated a robbery; Cristal and Blake offered to pay for Cristal’s dead, married ex-boyfriend’s funeral and his sad wife Claudia accepted; Cristal and Matthew’s sex tape was a huge hit on the internet and Claudia saw it.