Every week our fake advice column answers a question from a character on Dietland.

Dear Adversion,

I have a problem. And it’s even worse than my acid reflux. And definitely worse than whatever that silly Plum has been writing to you about.

So I hired this detective, Dominic, right? To look into the moles we had at Austen Media. He discovered that this girl Leeta was the mole, and the woman who works in the beauty closet, Julia, confessed to being involved with Leeta. So I booted her.

So far, so good. But then Dominic gets it into his head to Take Initiative and figures out that Julia might be involved with Calliope House–he found a picture of Julia, looking unacceptable, next to the leader of Calliope House, Verena. He also said something about Julia having led Plum there, and of course he’s up on Plum’s news–he practically seduced her as part of the investigation, and the poor thing bought it hook line and sinker. But I think he secretly enjoyed it too.

Which brings me to my problem. Well, really, there are two problems. First of all, I can tell Dominic wants to play the hero. He keeps talking about bringing the information about Julia and Verena to the Feds like he actually wants to do the right thing. Who knows why? The whole point of hiring him was that he wouldn’t be bothered by pangs of conscience like this. Ugh, it’s so infuriating. And even more infuriating is my second problem: I thought I’d provide him with a little extra manual motivation, if you know what I mean, to keep quiet, and the man flat-out REJECTED me. He said it was because he was married, but I’m worried it means I look old or something!!

So, Adversion, I have one question for you: Do you think I should do more microneedling?!

Love,
Kitty Montgomery

Dear Kitty,

No.

Love,
Adversion

PS. Julia totally is involved with Calliope. Of course, when Plum asked her how she went from writing exposes to killing, she merely said she hadn’t–but we’re pretty sure she’s lying.

PPS. Just to warn you, Plum had An Awakening in this episode. And like Leeta wrote in her journal, “She’s going to be a beast. Her words are like fire.” Beware of feminist awakenings when they come to people you’ve treated like shit.