Hello loyal readers! We know some of you by name or handle–cool internet peeps who subscribe or post or comment, plus, of course, our moms and college roommates.
But who are the OTHER visitors who make up the rest of our [uhm, insert modest number here] visitors a month? The people who maybe stop by once, only to find the perfect listicle–or to be bitterly disappointed? We decided to get to know them… by looking into the search terms that led people here.
Of course there are the expected people who came searching for Dawson’s Creek recaps or that perfect quote from Romy and Michele. But the rest are a fascinating and motley crew. Here is an unofficial and incomplete taxonomy of our search engine visitors:
Category 1. People Who Are Our Kindred Spirits
We have strong opinions, and who better to stumble upon our blog than people who share those opinions? Here are some examples:
hated arrival movie
i hated the movie arrival
‘arrival” one of the dumbest movies
laura homeland annoying
WORD. By Laura’s second appearance, I had declared “Shut up, Laura” to be my new catchphrase.
jonathan safran foer sexist
cary agos smile
Yeah, it’s pretty great.
dawson’s creek drinking game
Category 2. People Who Have The Same Questions We Have
We can’t necessarily answer these questions, but we have ruminated at length on many of them!
what time does rory gilmore wake up
Right?! HOW DOES SHE HAVE TIME TO EAT OUT EVERY MORNING?!
how do lorelai and rory have so much time in the morning
why doesn’t rory get an abortion
Yeah… we have the exact same question.
why does rory gilmore hang with rich spoiled brats
Ugh, I know! She has the worst taste!
pros and cons of dean from the gilmore girls
WE HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS ON THIS. Spoiler: Dean loses, with negative 164 points.
was dawsons creek homophobic
We have so many thoughts on this too! Overall, in our opinion, no — it actually did a lot of good and took a lot of risks to advance the portrayal of gay teenagers and homosexuality on network TV. That said, there were plenty of jokes that did NOT age well.
what the hell happened to anne with an e
RIGHT?! It got so bad I couldn’t even be bothered to write a post about season 2 because I couldn’t make any sense of it. Although now that it comes up, maybe I will.
will juliette barnes become a good mother
We hope so, but we kind of stopped watching before the end!
homeland why is no one concerned 7 saul poisoned dante
OMG RIGHT?! If it helps, dear internet stranger, we are concerned.
center stage ending was jody going to get in
Aww, I’m so happy that someone is still wondering about this, so many years later! Personally, I think no. But that’s OK, because she became a principal in Cooper Nielson’s ballet, and that’s the best dancer she can be!
was jonathan going to choose jody sawyer centre stage
In fact, MULTIPLE people are still wondering about this! Kudos to the Center Stage writers for making people think, which I somehow doubt was their primary goal.
why did alicia florick switch from wine to margaritas
Hahaha! Great question. Honestly, I think she got tired of pretending to be a classy drunk? Or maybe… of being A GOOD WIFE? Ba dum bump.
Category 3. People Who Want Us To Do Their Homework For Them
This is one of my favorite groups: people who are either researching their high school writing assignment or — in some cases — pretty much just looking to have it done for them.
do the bare facts shown in the film the big short imply a moral indictment of capitalism, or do most americans simply accept the me-first ethic driving finance?
That’s complicated, my dear lazy high-schooler, but in my opinion, the answers are “yes, but half-assedly” and “…yes.”
the big short essay
See above. You’re welcome.
charlotte bronte villette feminism
I hope any enterprising soul who plagiarized my essay on this topic got an A!
is vilette feminist
Ugh, I can’t believe you would even ask that! But, yes.
patriarchy room emma donoghue
rilke elegies deconstruction
This is over my head, but Keets can help: here.
feminist critique of the the metamorphosis
Not sure which post they would’ve landed on here, but we do love us a feminist critique.
line by line explanation of the sylvia plath poem two sister of persephone
Oh, honey. Here you go.
two sisters of persephone faminism view
To be fair, whoever this was probably did legitimately need homework help.
Remember everyone, cite your sources!
Category 4. People Who Are Maybe A Little Confused About TV
So, apparently there are kind of a lot of people who think that Nashville and The Affair are… documentaries?
is there a real book called the descent
does the descent novel actually exist affair
download descent – noah solloway
Oh boy. This person not only thinks a fictional book is real, they’re trying to get a pirated copy of it on the internet.
is rayna james a real person
is luke wheeler a real country singer
real life of deacon claybourne
Not a thing.
country singer rayna james alive?
Oh, HONEY. This person wants to know if a fictional country singer named Rayna James is still alive. I have… several pieces of bad news for them.
Category 5. People Who Are Maybe A Little Confused, Period
in the episode high risk behavior what happened to jack when he was telling joey about sec
AWWWWWW. Well, kid, he got an erection (and if you just wait till season 6, Drunk Joey will actually explain this in hilarious if inappropriate fashion to a mutual friend).
why did alicia get mad when eli told her he erased wills voicemail in lsr
You mean… like… other than the fact that Eli erased the voicemail that her dead soulmate left her where he told her he’d always loved her?
i saw sandra bullock on an episode of dawson’s creek
Ed. Note from a full year later: Dang, I totally DID see someone who looked just like Sandra Bullock on a season 4 episode of Dawson’s Creek. I took a screenshot and everything! I’m so sorry, random Google person, for snarking at this search!!
Category 6. People Who Were Presumably Very Disappointed At What They Found
gabrilla luke wheeler hot scene
Are we talking about the same Gabriella and Luke Wheeler?! I find it FASCINATING that someone was invested enough in the stupidest (and fairly short-lived) romantic storyline on a show full of dumb romantic storylines, to go looking for clips of their scenes. If we used the word “hot” in our posts in proximity to Gabriella and Luke, it would definitely have been of the form “this is not hot,” or possibly, “this storyline fills me with hot rage.”
center stage onpointe kiss scene
This is another scene that I can’t even believe someone would care enough to search for. Unfortunately, all they would have found was my post listing all the things that were silly about this movie.
wonder woman’s body pictures
Dear Reader, I… think you missed the point of the movie, but I hope our super feminist review cleared it up!
gilbert blythe sex
Ho boy. I think you’re looking for ff.net?
the neon demon sex scene
Boy sees movie. Boy searches internet for porny clips of movie. Boy finds feminist critique of movie’s porniness. A life is changed.
buffy seventh season too feminist
Get thee behind me, Satan. Ain’t no such thing.