Meet Adversion’s readers: random ‘ships, important questions about Rory and Lorelai’s schedule, and a lot of people who hated Arrival

Hello loyal readers! We know some of you by name or handle–cool internet peeps who subscribe or post or comment, plus, of course, our moms and college roommates.

But who are the OTHER visitors who make up the rest of our [uhm, insert modest number here] visitors a month? The people who maybe stop by once, only to find the perfect listicle–or to be bitterly disappointed? We decided to get to know them… by looking into the search terms that led people here.

Of course there are the expected people who came searching for Dawson’s Creek recaps or that perfect quote from Romy and Michele. But the rest are a fascinating and motley crew. Here is an unofficial and incomplete taxonomy of our search engine visitors:

Category 1. People Who Are Our Kindred Spirits

We have strong opinions, and who better to stumble upon our blog than people who share those opinions? Here are some examples:

 

hated arrival movie

Us too.

 

i hated the movie arrival

Us too!!

 

‘arrival” one of the dumbest movies

Yep.

 

laura homeland annoying

WORD. By Laura’s second appearance, I had declared “Shut up, Laura” to be my new catchphrase.

 

jonathan safran foer sexist

Do you even need to ask?

 

cary agos smile

Yeah, it’s pretty great.

 

dawson’s creek drinking game

We got you covered.

 

Category 2. People Who Have The Same Questions We Have

We can’t necessarily answer these questions, but we have ruminated at length on many of them!

 

what time does rory gilmore wake up

Right?! HOW DOES SHE HAVE TIME TO EAT OUT EVERY MORNING?!

 

how do lorelai and rory have so much time in the morning

Seriously!

 

why doesn’t rory get an abortion

Yeah… we have the exact same question.

 

why does rory gilmore hang with rich spoiled brats

Ugh, I know! She has the worst taste!

 

pros and cons of dean from the gilmore girls

WE HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS ON THIS. Spoiler: Dean loses, with negative 164 points.

 

was dawsons creek homophobic

We have so many thoughts on this too! Overall, in our opinion, no — it actually did a lot of good and took a lot of risks to advance the portrayal of gay teenagers and homosexuality on network TV. That said, there were plenty of jokes that did NOT age well.

 

what the hell happened to anne with an e

RIGHT?! It got so bad I couldn’t even be bothered to write a post about season 2 because I couldn’t make any sense of it. Although now that it comes up, maybe I will.

 

will juliette barnes become a good mother

We hope so, but we kind of stopped watching before the end!

 

homeland why is no one concerned 7 saul poisoned dante

OMG RIGHT?! If it helps, dear internet stranger, we are concerned. 

 

center stage ending was jody going to get in

Aww, I’m so happy that someone is still wondering about this, so many years later! Personally, I think no. But that’s OK, because she became a principal in Cooper Nielson’s ballet, and that’s the best dancer she can be!

 

was jonathan going to choose jody sawyer centre stage

In fact, MULTIPLE people are still wondering about this! Kudos to the Center Stage writers for making people think, which I somehow doubt was their primary goal.

 

why did alicia florick switch from wine to margaritas

Hahaha! Great question. Honestly, I think she got tired of pretending to be a classy drunk? Or maybe… of being A GOOD WIFE? Ba dum bump.

 

Category 3. People Who Want Us To Do Their Homework For Them

This is one of my favorite groups: people who are either researching their high school writing assignment or — in some cases — pretty much just looking to have it done for them.

 

do the bare facts shown in the film the big short imply a moral indictment of capitalism, or do most americans simply accept the me-first ethic driving finance?

That’s complicated, my dear lazy high-schooler, but in my opinion, the answers are “yes, but half-assedly” and “…yes.”

 

the big short essay

See above. You’re welcome.

 

charlotte bronte villette feminism

I hope any enterprising soul who plagiarized my essay on this topic got an A!

 

is vilette feminist

Ugh, I can’t believe you would even ask that! But, yes.

 

patriarchy room emma donoghue

Here ya go.

 

rilke elegies deconstruction

This is over my head, but Keets can help: here.

 

feminist critique of the the metamorphosis

Not sure which post they would’ve landed on here, but we do love us a feminist critique.

 

line by line explanation of the sylvia plath poem two sister of persephone

Oh, honey. Here you go.

 

two sisters of persephone faminism view

To be fair, whoever this was probably did legitimately need homework help.

 

Remember everyone, cite your sources!

 

Category 4. People Who Are Maybe A Little Confused About TV

So, apparently there are kind of a lot of people who think that Nashville and The Affair are… documentaries?

 

is there a real book called the descent

No.

 

does the descent novel actually exist affair

No. 😦

 

download descent – noah solloway

Oh boy. This person not only thinks a fictional book is real, they’re trying to get a pirated copy of it on the internet.

 

is rayna james a real person
No.

 

is luke wheeler a real country singer

No.

 

real life of deacon claybourne

Not a thing.

 

country singer rayna james alive?

Oh, HONEY. This person wants to know if a fictional country singer named Rayna James is still alive. I have… several pieces of bad news for them.

 

Category 5. People Who Are Maybe A Little Confused, Period

in the episode high risk behavior what happened to jack when he was telling joey about sec

AWWWWWW. Well, kid, he got an erection (and if you just wait till season 6, Drunk Joey will actually explain this in hilarious if inappropriate fashion to a mutual friend).

 

why did alicia get mad when eli told her he erased wills voicemail in lsr

You mean… like… other than the fact that Eli erased the voicemail that her dead soulmate left her where he told her he’d always loved her?

 

i saw sandra bullock on an episode of dawson’s creek

…I didn’t?

 

Category 6. People Who Were Presumably Very Disappointed At What They Found

gabrilla luke wheeler hot scene

Are we talking about the same Gabriella and Luke Wheeler?! I find it FASCINATING that someone was invested enough in the stupidest (and fairly short-lived) romantic storyline on a show full of dumb romantic storylines, to go looking for clips of their scenes. If we used the word “hot” in our posts in proximity to Gabriella and Luke, it would definitely have been of the form “this is not hot,” or possibly, “this storyline fills me with hot rage.”

 

center stage onpointe kiss scene

This is another scene that I can’t even believe someone would care enough to search for. Unfortunately, all they would have found was my post listing all the things that were silly about this movie.

 

wonder woman’s body pictures

Dear Reader, I… think you missed the point of the movie, but I hope our super feminist review cleared it up!

 

gilbert blythe sex

Ho boy. I think you’re looking for ff.net?

 

the neon demon sex scene

Boy sees movie. Boy searches internet for porny clips of movie. Boy finds feminist critique of movie’s porniness. A life is changed.

 

buffy seventh season too feminist

Get thee behind me, Satan. Ain’t no such thing.

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